Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith

Star Wars: Attack of the Clones critique

It took me a long time to get to this critique, and for good reason. There is almost nothing redeemable about this movie...if there is, in fact, anything at all. It is terrible from start to finish. Horrid dialgoue, nonsensical scenes, parts of the movie that serve no purpose other than special effects filler. I found it difficult to finish, therefore, these comments came over the course of two half viewings. Hopefully, these comments have more entertainment value than the movie itself (although, really, that's not hard!), but at times reading these, rather than being funny, they just make me angry about the movie again! That's how bad the movie is. I'd also like to mention that there's no way this is comprehensive. There is just so much bad stuff, and my attention could only stay focused for so much...I'm sure I could come up with more on subsequent viewings, and there are already 45 things.

1) Ever since Leia's cinnamon roll hairstyle from A New Hope, Star Wars costume folks have long felt the need of making hair unusual, which doesn't even make any sense, because I didn't think that was that unusual of a style. Amidala's hair styles have generally followed in this, being pointlessly weird (although not as bad as the Star Tours lady). But I think her personal weirdest has to be at the beginning of Episode 2, when her hairstyle appears to be the exact same shape as her guards' helmets. It's weird!
2) As I took notes on the movie, this is what I wrote next: "'My goodness, you've grown.' 'So have you. More beautiful, that is.' 'You'll always be that little boy on Tatooine.' ...yeah." I'm not sure I actually need to say much more than that...but I will anyway, I'm just not sure where to start. First, it's horribly written. Who talks that way? Secondly, it's really, really creepy. Seriously, I feel uncomfortable watching it.
3) So, along the lines of needlessly convoluted plans as seen in previous Star Wars, this entire assassination attempt with the bugs is way too much. The droid delivers the bug things. The bug things are smart enough to hide. In fact, between the droid and the bugs, they seem capable of getting this all done on their own. Why do we need the bounty hunter?
4) To make it even worse, we find out that it was, in fact, a bounty hunter hired by another bounty hunter. Which makes perfect sense.
5) These movies are supposed to be fantastic, and that's fine, but there's supposed to be an element of plausibility to sci-fi and even space opera, even in its imagined nature...one of the biggest flaws in the prequels is how they pretty much completely disregard the laws of physics. In the speeder chase, Obi-wan landing on the speeder can almost be explained by Anaking "catching" him by matching the downward velocities. Anakin jumping out and landing on the bounty hunter's speeder cannot. For the first of many times, I am going to say this...The Force is not a script contrivance to get the writer out of situations!!!
6) "I think he is a she. And I think she is a changling." "In that case, be extra careful." There are so many things wrong with this exchange. First of all, if (s)he is a changling, how do they know (s)he hasn't used her ability to be a different gender? Secondly, did he really need to say "be extra careful"? Just another of many painfully written pieces of dialogue.
7) "Jedi business, go back to your drinks." You know, this entire scene was an obvious homage to the cantina scene from A New Hope, when Obi-wan cuts off the guy's hand. Does Obi-wan acknowledge the other people in the cantina? Hell no! He tosses the bartender a coin and goes about his business. Why do the creators of this movie feel the need to have Anakin make a stupid comment? And is that really what the people of Coruscant think the jedi do? The jedi in the prequels are not guardians of peace and justice...they're warriors and thugs.
8) I should be counting how many times they say "My Lady" to Padme. No one seems to know what era they're in.
9) ...did she just leave Jar Jar in charge? Did you hear how he accepts this duty? He's obviously not a politician, and certainly not able to play high stakes diplomacy. Why would she do this? Terrible!
10) "Please don't look at me like that." "Why not?" "It makes me feel uncomfortable." *Anakin smirks* "Sorry milady." ...yet another example of his creepiness. How is this a believable romance? Maybe it'll get better later...
11) Obi-wan says the system is "south" of the Rishi maze. South. In space. Which is three dimensional. And doesn't have a magnetic pole. Nonsense.
12) "If an item isn't in our records, it doesn't exist." What is this, the yellow pages?
13) I thought maybe "younglings" was what Yoda called the kids, which I would have been okay with. But when other people start using it, it just became stupid.
14) As a perfect example of a scene that does not need to exist in this movie, the entire conversation with Yoda and the kids is unnecessary. Obi-wan had already suggested the archives were incomplete. Why did he need the child to tell him it was erased? He'd already come to the same conclusion himself. It was just an excuse to have Yoda, training kids.
15) Here's one of the biggest filmmaking mistakes...conversations that continue without a gap, but the characters are suddenly in a different room and a different location.
16) Why does the Kamino prime minister sound like David Bowie? And why do all the buildings and people look so fake? This movie constantly is piercing my suspension of disbelief.
17) ...I know this is supposed to be a love story, but is it really necessary to spend all this screen time watching them picnic and flirt? Han and Leia never picnicked and flirted. They fell in love IN THE BELLY OF A SPACE WORM!
18) Anakin has a bad dream, and tells Padme (horribly) that he has to go after his mother. Padme tells him she'll go, but he keeps talking as if he's leaving her behind. It was like they weren't even in the same scene together.
19) Young Boba Fett...do I really need to say more? He's not that cool as an adult, and he's equally uncool (and even more unnecessary) as a grunty, bully-esque kid.
20) Like the ray shields that suddenly appear in Episode 3 (I guess that's kind of out of order? But I wrote those first) those sonic bomb things that Jango Fett uses seem unreasonably powerful. If they have such a powerful weapon, why not use it more often? Oh, because just like the ray shields, they're easily thwarted by Obi-wan's garbage. Clever. Still took out a huge chunk of innocent asteroid.
**) Commentor's aside...it was at this point in my second attempt to make comments of this movie that I realized I'd pretty much stopped paying attention at the same spot. Things are happening on the screen, but I've seriously lost interest...none of it means anything or has any emotional connection whatsoever.
21) ...but if I need something to complain about, how about the really stupid and cheesy Darth Vader shadow of Anakin when he tells Padme to wait for him before he heads out to find the sand people. Yes, we know he's Darth Vader. There was nothing clever about this moment. In fact, my intelligence felt insulted.
22) Ah, and now we finally get to meet the...uh...antagonists of this movie? I think. I don't know. I'm kind of confused. In part, this is because this collection of "bad guys" is awful. AWFUL. Suttering robot techno-union guy? Banking union? On top of everyone's favorite Neimodian "Trade Federation". So...we're supposed to be afraid of...businessmen? Is Lucas making some sort of thinly veiled statement of his opinion of economists?
23) Speaking of the Trade Federation guy, the way he wants Padme's "head on a plate" just seems completely out of character. Wait, that would imply that these characters have depth and/or personality.
24) Have you ever been camping? It's really quiet, in the wilderness. I'm pretty sure the Tuskans would have heard Anakin's lightsaber when he uses it to "sneak" into the back of the hut.
25) I don't know why I keep expecting the dialogue to get any better...maybe I just want the bleeding to stop...but Anakin's whole "I'm good at fixing things, why couldn't I fix my Mom?" is so juvenille.
26) The tear rolling down Anakin's face during his "They're animals, and I slaughtered them..." speech is sooooo obviously fake. It's like someone put a drop of water on his cheek, and decided that was a tear.
27) Anakin: "I just commited genocide of dozens of men, women, and children!" Padme: "Well, to be angry is human." ...yeah, that'd be my response too. Once again...HOW IS SHE FALLING FOR HIM?!
28) One of the biggest flaws (and cheapest "tricks" used) in these prequels is how hard they work to point out to us the simple things that are the same as the original Trilogy. R2 and C-3P0's appearance in Ep1; Owen, Beru, species in the Senate, and *gah* Boba Fett in Ep2. It's supposed to make you think things are the same, even though the appearences of these characters in the continuity are tenuous at best, and blatant contradictions at their worst.
29) Sooo...the blue guy and Palpatine are (with very juvenille dialogue...again) manipulating Jar-Jar to give Palpatine emergency powers by suggesting Senator Amidala would do it...but Jimmy Smits, who is on Amidala's side and obviously DOESN'T agree with creating an army, doesn't speak up and say "No, that's not what she'd do at all"? Is anyone making this movie actually thinking, ever?
30) Apparently, the bug creatures just casually and comfortably pile by the dozens into archways in an infrequently used hallway? Right!
31) The entire assembly line sequence is like something of a video game. Only there's no suspense...no fear of failure. It's just another unnecessary scene for the sake of something that "looks cool". And even its coolness is questionable.
32) "Machines making machines...how perverse." ...that statement is so stupid, I don't even know where to begin.
33) ARTOO DOES NOT HAVE FUCKING JETPACKS.
34) *sigh* And C-3P0's "comic" re-assembly is also completely unnecessary. Things in this movie don't happen for any purpose whatsoever.
35) Ugh. More (unconvincing, non-sequitir, childish) "love" dialogue. KILL ME NOW. (and again...they don't love each other for a reason...other than...they're supposed to. There's no real drama, or falling into it, and in fact, Anakin is frequently creepy and off-putting...and yet, it just is)
36) I think the big arena scene is supposed to evoke the same emotions as Luke falling in the rancor pit, and cross it with the popularity of Gladiator (which had just come out about the same time). It does neither of these things well. The creatures aren't this giant, insurmountable beast, in a cave, that just ate an intimidating pig-man alive. They're CGI crap that do not at any time make me feel like the main characters are in any real danger. They just get tamed. Or drop kicked.
37) And after they fail, here come the Droidika Destroyers. Why didn't they just bring them out in the first place?? Oh, so we could have more unnecessary "cool" scenes and so there's a cheap way for the characters to get out of what should be an unbeatable situation.
38) "This party's ova'." That line would be brilliant if it weren't so out of time and place.
39) The only thing I like about this movie is that, once again, a Fett dies ignominiously.
40) C-3P0, in the Arena: "Artoo! What are you doing here?!" Actually, that's a really amazing question.
41) Here come the clones, na-na-na-na. And Yoda. Looking really, really fake. I think the CGI is actually getting worse, as it gets more fantastic...because it looks even less convincing.
42) Apparently, the bad guys' starships seem to be a crucial part of this battle. For, uh, some reason. All the Jedi really want to destroy them, and the Nemodian guy really wants to save them. And I have no idea why.
43) I'd now like to mention that even though "size matters not", it took a long time, and a lot of focus for Yoda to get the X-wing out of the swamp. But apparently Dooku and Yoda can throw and catch heavy debris with no effort.
44) "It is obvious this will not be decided by our power in the force, but by our skills with a lightsaber." Did we really need that line to introduce the fact that Yoda is going to fight? No. No we didn't.
45) Also, I remember walking out of the theater the first time thinking that Yoda fighting was awesome. On subsequent viewings, I realize that it doesn't make any sense, it ruins his Zen-like character, and it looks stupid to have him bouncing all over the place. Why does Lucas insist on ruining everything?
46) Remember the end of Empire? Luke lost his hand, Han was frozen in carbonite, we wondered if Darth Vader Luke's father? The Empire still was favored to win. Things were DARK, but they all had each other. There was emotion. THAT was an ending. This? Is there anything about this ending that makes you eager for more? That makes you worried for the characters? In the end...did anything really HAPPEN? Oooooh, Dooku is, uh, a bad guy? Apparently? Did I know who he was before this movie started? Do I know now? Oooooh, secret wedding! Egad! Ooooh, the clone wars started! I guess that was kind of significant. But it was poorly done, confusing, and I still don't really know who's fighting whom and why.